Has endless winter ended?

budsI’m hopeful.

I can hear a flock of birds outside my kitchen window and it’s supposed to get up to 70 today.  Maybe spring has come to stay.

One of my dearest friends is coming to visit tomorrow, along with her fabulous daughter, so that we can spend the weekend at Comic Con together.  Her daughter is going to Cosplay as Kaylee from Firefly, which makes me want to stay in close enough proximity to absorb her coolness.

In a few weeks Mr. Right and I are going spend the weekend in Nashville so we can catch a Steve Taylor concert.  This. is. awesome.

Cheesy is running track for the first time this spring, with a local private school.  She’s currently doing the long jump, triple jump and the 100 meters.  She’s also doing Tae Kwon Do two days a week, and has recently earned her yellow first belt.  It’s been fascinating to see her sense of herself change as she’s become more physically active.  She’s happier, more confident, more focused.  Maybe I should try exercise…

B. Lake finally finished with wrestling season and is also running track.  He just got new track shoes, a color of fuchsia not found in nature.  But he likes them, so who am I to judge?

Baph and Striker are working at the same Applebee’s.  Baph is a cook, and loves it.  Striker is a host and has found the perfect job.  It mostly involves her smiling and talking to people, and if you know Striker you know how much that suits her.

And Bee…well, Bee is still sweet and funny and easy to be around.  I believe the proper word is “companionable”.

As for me, I’m hoping that my own endless winter is also ending.  Jesus has been very present lately as I’ve been sorting things out, both vocational and personal.  But then, the vocational is personal, and I’m starting to think that my ministry will always be tied to my weaknesses as much as my strengths.  So I can teach:  big deal.  Lots of people can teach.  But my particular bundle of joys and failures and enthusiasms and longings – that’s mine, uniquely.  And sometimes it connects with other people and their own unique bundles.  We’re like Venn diagrams; not overlapping perfectly, but enough to recognize and share some things that matter.

And oddly enough, that’s satisfying to me these days:  connections, openness, truthfulness.  Giving and receiving grace.  If that’s all I ever get to do as a friend, as a pastor, as a parent, as a spouse…well, that’s not half bad.  Maybe approaching 50 means that I’m okay with not setting the world on fire.  Maybe I can define significance in a more modest way.  I am letting go of some ambitions, clearing them out of the way so that new life can spring up from what has been, I must admit, pretty barren soil lately.

We are deep in Lent, everything outside is still bare and brown and muddy.  But spring is finally here.  Resurrection is coming, and I am not finished.

Posted in aging, Daily Life, family, Lent, religion, spirituality | 7 Comments

A letter to our sisters, on biblical womanhood in heavenly places


Yesterday Julie Anne at Spiritual Sounding posted this response to an article at cbmw.org.  That’s the Council for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, the flagship organization for complementarian theology.  I was alarmed by the excerpts in Julie Anne’s piece, so I read the original article, Relationships and Roles in the New Creation, and wrote my own response.

 I think the author, Mark David Walton, has shown us the end toward which complementarian theology is heading.  While Walton’s piece is several years old, it’s still out there as a resource and other articles have expressed the same idea  – the gendered headship/submission model is not temporal.  It’s eternal.  Get used to it, ladies.

The post below is satire, but the views represented seem barely exaggerated to me.  It’s not “real”, but it’s a lot more real than I want it to be.  Maybe I shouldn’t need to add this but I will:  this satire is not directed at all men, or all Christian men, or even all complementarian men.  If the shoe doesn’t fit, don’t wear it.

To our dear sisters in Christ,

Greetings to you in the name of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who has bought us with His blood, purchasing for Himself a people reflecting the richness of biblical manhood and womanhood.

It has come to our attention, dear sisters, that some of you have questions about what your place will be in the afterlife, when the Kingdom comes in all its fullness.  As you wait for the glorious appearing of our Savior, it’s only fitting that you may ask – “What will biblical womanhood look like in the New Jerusalem?  How may I best serve my God and my brothers in that wonderful place?”  It is right that such questions should come to us, your brothers who have given our very lives to serving God by explaining what your responsibilities are as women in the created order.  The duty to answer such questions and set your minds at ease is part of our responsibility – the great weight which comes from standing before God as biblical men.

For decades we have been teaching you the great gift of hierarchy with which God has ordered his creation.  We understand the inflammatory nature of the word “hierarchy”, but we will not insult your intelligence, dear sisters.  This word that we proclaim to you, rooted in scripture, is most plainly acknowledged to be a top-down authority in which we, your brothers, carry the heavy burden of headship.  And you, in your radiant femininity, have been given the light task of submission.  We do not wish to pussyfoot around the issue, using politically correct terminology when we speak of the very will of God.  This is why some of our brothers are urging a return to the use of the word Patriarchy to describe the system we promote.

But we digress.  Your question, put most simply, is this:  “Will I be called to womanly submission to my brothers in heaven, as I am on earth?”

One of our faithful colleagues has answered this question at great length, but to settle your concerns quickly, the answer is “Yes.”

And surely, dear sisters, you can see the logic of this answer.  For we have taught you always that your rank as women is part of the divine order, God’s prelapsarian will for the “better half” of his highest creation (if you will permit us a tiny and theologically unsound joke).  If submission is God’s will for you in this mortal life, would it not also be His will for you in heaven?  Heaven will be a return to the lost edenic dream in which you were created to be helpmeets to the “adams” God has appointed over you, and we look forward with anticipation to the blessings that will come to you when that perfect vision is restored.

But other questions follow.  “To whom should I submit?” you may ask.  “In heaven shall I return to the status of a child and submit to my earthly father?  Or shall I submit to my husband?”  Some sister may chime in, “But I was widowed and remarried?  To which of my husbands should I submit in heaven?  Or may I submit to both?”

Jesus answered a question similar to this, but with enough ambiguity that we will not answer with exactness.  Perhaps you will, in fact, submit to your earthly husband(s).  Perhaps you will submit to all of the male authorities God granted you in your mortal life – father, brothers, husbands, shepherds.  Or perhaps this vision  is too narrow.  When all of the Bride of Christ is gathered around the throne, enjoying such sweet fellowship as we have never before known, will our connections with those who were strangers on earth be even deeper than  anything we’ve experienced with our own kin?  Will we truly all be one family, for the first time?

As we’ve already said, we can’t answer the question with perfect specificity, but we think it best if you prepare to submit to all males in the New Jerusalem.  It seems the most prudent course.

“But what will I do?”  you may ask.  “In this life, as a woman of God, my sphere is domestic.  What will the jurisdiction of my submission and service be in the afterlife?”

A question well asked, dear sister, but another that requires speculation on our part:  the Lord has chosen to let some mysteries remain.  Nevertheless, we will attempt to imagine what may be.  We do not see heaven as a place of passivity and inaction, and we reject wholly the foolish image of saints on clouds, lazily strumming harps.  No!  Heaven will be a place of vibrant, joyous, purposeful activity!  We will do what God has always intended us to do!

And so, dear ladies, imagine those mansions in which we’ll dwell.  Would it not be a blessing to you to exercise your domestic gifts in making your heavenly home a sanctuary within the larger Sanctuary – a marvelous haven and reward for any males who should dwell there?

Will there not be feasting in heaven?  We think that many of our own dear mothers are blessed this very moment to be cooking meals fit for the King of Kings.

Another possibility rests on a question that theologians have debated for centuries.  Will there be children heaven?  We simply do not know, but if there are, sisters, you most certainly may care for them.

And, of course, you will join with the rest of the Bride of Christ in worshipping around the throne – with every nation and tribe and people and tongue.  This is the beautiful picture we have been given in the Revelation of John.  And we know, sisters, that you will worship with seemliness and modesty, as befits your womanhood.  King David may have danced before the Lord in an undignified manner, but he was a man after God’s own heart.  Worshipping in humility and meekness is more befitting to daughters of the King.

But we know that what we proclaim as good new is a bitter pill for some of you.  We have heard your cries of distress, particularly on divisive “discernment” blogs and so-called “Christian feminist” sites.  Some of  you say, “But in this life I have sensed a call from God to serve Him in ways that I have not been permitted – in teaching, in preaching and evangelism.  I have hoped that in the afterlife I would finally be free to worship and speak and act as the Spirit leads!  Was this hope misguided?”

Dear struggling sisters, we know that you are hurting.  We think, however, that it’s to your benefit that we be frank.  For 90% of you the problem is rebellion, a stubborn self will to “be like God.”  It is the same sin to which your ancestor Eve succumbed, setting this ghastly fallen world in motion.  Don’t you want us, your brothers, to protect you from repeating the mistake of your first mother?

“But it’s not rebellion!” someone will insist.  “I most earnestly want to please and obey God, and I feel His call in my life like a fire in my bones – and yet, I am denied because I am a woman.”  We are sympathetic, sisters, but we are also puzzled.  How could an unbiblical longing come from anyone but the Evil One?  And yet, we do not judge you, for we, too, are sinners and easily deceived (thought perhaps not so easily as Eve).  We believe God is good, and we offer you this hope:  after tens of thousands of years in the heavenly city, we trust that the “call” you have felt will wear off and be forgotten.  In the meantime, your painful obedience will rise up before the Lord like a fragrant offering.

Lest we be misunderstood, we assure you that we do not see you as inferior by virtue of your femininity.  We know that some of you are wiser than some of your brothers in the Lord; more knowledgable about scripture; deeper in prayer; more gifted in public speaking.  But God’s ways are higher than our ways, and in His eternal purposes He is glorified by your submission to His will and to your brothers.  And His will is for your flourishing, too, if only you will trust that it is so.  Your place in the divine order is not a reflection of your aptitude.  We recognize that you are ontologically equal in worth, even if not in function.  (As an aside, we understand that some say this explanation of God’s creative intent has been used in the past to uphold slavery and racial discrimination  This seems very strange to us, since there is absolutely no similarity between biblical manhood and womanhood, and a theology of racial hierarchy.)

We hope that this letter has been a help to you, sisters, as you look forward to the reward that awaits you beyond this life.  If you have questions about what we have written, we suggest that you speak to your husbands.   In the absence of a husband, please go to your shepherd.  If you husbands or shepherds are unsure how to answer your questions, please direct them to our website.

Having realized that your feminine submission is God’s will for heaven, we know it will only reinforce your commitment to submission in this life.  We know that as godly women you pray with Jesus Himself that God’s will be done “on earth as it is in heaven”.  As those given authority in the church of God, our counsel to you is to recognize the created order, embrace your role, and practice what you will be doing for all eternity.

Your brothers in Christ

Posted in Bible, Christian Ministry, Christianity, church, feminism, gender, patriarchy, religion, spirituality, theology | Tagged , | 38 Comments

Homeschoolers, we can do better

kevin swanson

I’m going to keep my input short and sweet today, and then turn the mic over to the gentleman in the photo above.  That’s Kevin Swanson.  He’s a homeschool graduate and a homeschooling father of five, a minister in the Orthodox Presbyterian Church, executive director of Christian Home Educators of Colorado, author of several homeschooling books, director of a Generations of Vision and host of Generations Radio, “the world’s largest homeschooling and Biblical worldview program.”

For the first time in ten years the Illinois Christian Home Educators is holding a conference down state, in my area.  There is a large and active Christian homeschool community down here, so it makes sense to bring some of the action here.

Kevin Swanson is the keynote speaker for the Southern Illinois Conference, adding one more to his long list of speaking engagements at homeschool conventions and conferences.

And now I’d like so let you hear from Swanson himself, on a wide variety of topics.  His podcasts are available online, so you can her much more, if you are so inclined.

Kevin Swanson on birth control

“I’m beginning to get some evidence from certain doctors and certain scientists that have done research on women’s wombs after they’ve gone through the surgery, and they’ve compared the wombs of women who were on the birth control pill to those who were not on the birth control pill. And they have found that with women who are on the birth control pill, there are these little tiny fetuses, these little babies, that are embedded into the womb. They’re just like dead babies. They’re on the inside of the womb. And these wombs of women who have been on the birth control pill effectively have become graveyards for lots and lots of little babies.”

Kevin Swanson on “disciplining” children (by which he means spanking with a rod)

“There are some children that need to be disciplined, and I’ve heard this from Godly parents, 20-30 times a day. Some children 20-30 times a day, 3,4,5,6 years in a row. It is just overwhelming for some parents.”

Kevin Swanson on having gay friends

“I don’t say, ‘I have many, many gay friends.’ It’s almost like saying, ‘I have many, many gay fornicators;’ ‘I have many, many gay liar friends;’ it’s just craziness. I just interviewed this guy who goes into maximum security prisons and he interviews serial killers and I appreciate this guy, he’s actually had an opportunity to talk to a number of then and he says some twenty-five percent of them actually do repent he thinks, and it’s wonderful to see their lives turn around. So I mean, you know, what does this guy say: ‘I have many, many serial killer friends.’ I don’t think he says that, he doesn’t say that. I think he says, ‘it’s a shameful thing to be a serial killer.’ You wouldn’t want to wear that on a t-shirt, you wouldn’t want to say ‘I have many, many friends who kill people.’”

Kevin Swanson on Obama and Islam

“These Muslims come in and kill our people so we elect a Muslim as President of the United States. Maybe not a pure Muslim but at least a man who has been very well indoctrinated, rooted, grounded and founded in Muslim theology and he is certainly more sympathetic to the Muslim religion than any other President we’ve ever had in the history of the nation. Five years after the Muslims came in and killed our people! There’s something odd about this, what’s going on here? We see the Muslims killing our people and so we elect a Muslim. Seems to me like we’re not turning back to the true and living God here, are we?”

Kevin Swanson on girls marrying at 15 or 16

“So see, again, the liberals are really excited about getting the kids doing as much fornication as possible. But the rest of us are saying, ‘Hey, what about God’s law? What about God’s law?’ By the way, nothing in God’s law that would prohibit a young girl who’s ready to get married, at 15 or 16 years of age — now it takes some wisdom, it takes some wisdom — but nothing in God’s law that forbids — it’s not like immoral. There’s nothing in God’s law: ‘it’s immoral for a 15 or 16 year old to get married.’”

Kevin Swanson on God’s fashion sense

“I brought up androgyny and how many young boys are running out and doing the metrosexual thing with the skinny pants and the little fairy shoes. They’re working on the gender blender for themselves and they don’t want to look like a man and God is just so upset, He hates it when man are not manly in their approach. 1 Corinthians 6 speaks about homosexuality and feminine behavior and feminine dress for men. God does not want men to be androgynous and feminine like in their approach; He gave them facial hair for a reason.”

Kevin Swanson on moms who work outside the home

“Because there are so many women in the work force, the women’s hearts are not home. There are far more men who say it would be better if moms could stay home because apparently the dads still care about the kids. The moms, it’s a lower percentage Dave, 45% say it’d be better if moms were home, 67% of men say it would be better if moms were home, meaning there are far far more women- or far far more men- who say that it’d be better if moms were home because women care less about their children and about the influence they could have on their children because Dave I think they’re already in the work force and they certainly don’t want to say it’d be better if I were home. That’s the issue.”

Kevin Swanson on what you should do if you attend a gay wedding

“I draw a distinction between gay weddings and Neronic weddings… Neronic weddings is what Nero came up with when he said, let’s do same sex weddings.  However, I can make an exception. I think you can attend a wedding if you hold a up a sign that reads Leviticus 20:13…I think that would be appropriate. You could attend a wedding and hold up a sign with Leviticus 20:13. You know, word for word: ‘If a man sleeps with a man as he sleeps with a woman the two of them have committed an abomination and they shall both be put to death.’ You could attend a wedding and hold up that sign.”

Kevin Swanson on the Boy Scouts

(After Swanson’s radio co-host, David Buehner, suggested the Boy Scouts will soon add a sodomy merit badge)
Swanson: And after that I guess it’s incest; after that I guess it’s the cannibal merit badge, where I guess you cut up human flesh, fry it—
Buehner: Cook it in a Dutch oven out in the wilderness.
Swanson: So that’s what the Boy Scouts are doing, they are trying to add abomination on abomination, effectively going into God’s word, trying to find the thing that God really, really, really hates the most. The sins listed in the Bible, going through the lists of sins in the Bible, finding the very worst ones and creating merit badges for them is where the Boy Scouts are headed.

“Now remember, the goal is that these women have to be independent. The goal is lots and lots of birth control. The goal is lots and lots and lots of fornication. The goal is abortion. The day-after pill will help. And it will help a lot. Remember, the goal is to get that girl a job because she needs no stinkin’ husband, she’s got the fascist corporation and government-mandated insurance programs and socialist welfare that will take care of her womb to tomb. Who needs a cotton-pickin’ husband? Who needs a family? That’s pretty much the worldview that’s dominating, my friends. That’s what the college is all about.”

Kevin Swanson on what Democrats want

“This is the vision of the Democrats, get children abused, kill them in the womb as much as possible, be sure there are as many dysfunctional families as possible, as many homosexual families as possible and children abused as much as possible, so government can grow their child welfare services even more, so that they can kill more kids, so that more adults can commit adultery, so that more kids would be murdered, so that more kids would be abused, so more government would tax and regulate and tax and regulate to produce the worst possible hellhole on planet earth.”

Kevin Swanson on Sarah and Bristol Palin

“We’re just not quite sure a feminist governor from Alaska with a year’s experience in governance (not to mention her 17-year-old daughter pregnant out of wedlock doing her part to contribute to the further demise of the family), working for John McCain will do any more than GWB did to salvage the economy, halt the growth of government, repair the family, and quiet the Sodomites beating down our doors. Call it a breach in confidence. Oh well. At least her daughter wasn’t a lesbian.”

Okay, homeschool friends, I have a challenge for you.  The next time you want to blame the stereotype of homeschoolers as dangerous extremists on the liberal media or the teachers’ unions, remember Kevin Swanson.  Remember that he’s making a living off of us.  And then perhaps you should send an email to ICHE and let them know that we can do better.

Posted in Christianity, education, family, feminism, gender, homeschooling, homosexuality, parenting, patriarchy, politics, religion, spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , | 21 Comments

Who do you want to be?

tysonToday I made a remark about wanting to be a good person and the friend I was speaking to said, “What does that even mean?  How do you define good?”  And you know what?  Not only was that a “good” question (apt, thought provoking, clarifying) but I found it surprisingly difficult to answer.  I finally decided to try to identify ten virtues that I would like to characterize my life.  Far deeper than the way I look, the stuff I own, or the titles I hold, who do I want to be?

You might think this would have been easy.  I’m a Christian, so I should probably just start with the fruit of the Spirit, right?  Or the triad of faith, hope and love?  Well, yes.  But I challenged myself avoid any pre-existing lists and to search deep within.  Setting aside other people’s expectations (or my own, perhaps inaccurate, ideas about other people’s expectations), what do I really value?

So here’s my list.  Maybe if I’d written it 10 or 20 years ago it would be different.  Maybe if I rewrite it 10 years from now it will change.  But this is today, and these are characteristics I want to possess.  This is what it means to me right now to be a good person.

1.  Truthfulness
Absolute, searing honesty with myself and with God.  Complete trustworthiness with other people.  If I tell you something, I want you to know that it is the truth, as much as I am capable of knowing the truth.  While it’s neither necessary or wise to spill your guts to everyone all the time, I also don’t want to feel that I am concealing who I really am.  Remember this tag line from The X-Files – “Deceive, inveigle, obfuscate”?  I never, ever want to be guilty of that.

2.  Openness
This is connected to truthfulness, but goes beyond it.  Not only do I want to engage with the world in an honest, vulnerable way, but I also want the world to engage with me.  I want to hear other ideas, listen to other stories, examine other information, take the risk of having to change my mind.  Repeatedly.  I want my heart and mind to be constantly expanding, not contracting.

3.  Empathy
I’m stealing Frederick Buechner’s line:  “Compassion is the sometimes fatal capacity for feeling what it is like to live inside somebody else’s skin.”  Empathy is the path to developing that fatal capacity.

4.  Passion
Life is too short to be tepid.  I want to feel passion for the people I love, the gifts I enjoy (music, movies, meals, my dog, etc.), and the causes that matter to me.  I want to live with commitment, enthusiasm and a willingness to get carried away from time to time.

5.  Self Discipline
….without which I accomplish very little, as much of my life up to this point has demonstrated.

6.  Gentleness
The world has enough snark and bile.  Even when I’m in a conflict I want my conduct to be marked by gentleness and respect.  I keep believing it’s possible to disagree strongly without ever being cruel:  I’m a cockeyed optimist that way (see #8).

7.  Courage
I’m not going into battle or facing persecution, but I need the courage to do and say what I believe is right even in the face of pressure and disapproval.  I’ll never succeed in being truthful without courage.

8.  Hope
Do I even need to explain this one?  How would I have made it this far without hope?  And how would I face whatever life (inevitably) has coming without it?  In the absence of hope every other virtue will collapse in a big, steaming pile of despair and bitterness.

9.  Humor
The right kind of laughter brings lightness and joy to life, and there is always something to laugh about.  Humor allows me to take life seriously without carrying it like a heavy burden.  If all other material dries up, I will still laugh at myself.

10.  Humility
For real, Sharon, you do not know everything.  Your opinion is not uniquely enlightened.  You do not live on some island of perfect rationality and objectivity.  You screw up all the time, and you are going to keep doing it.  Admit it (#1), apologize if necessary, and move on.

That’s the list.  It’s not a New Year’s resolution because, for instance, resolving to exercise humility is bound to end in either failure or ironic self-defeating triumph.  Either way, the items are all too vague.  There’s not much of an action plan for empathy or humor.  But I do think it’s possible to examine words and actions in light of these virtues.  If I insult the person who insults me,  haven’t I failed to exhibit 5 and 6 (at minimum)?  If I don’t speak up on behalf of the marginalized because I fear disapproval, I don’t just lack courage.  I also lack empathy, truthfulness and passion – again, at minimum.

I think a few of these terms already describe me.  Can I say that without a complete failure of humility?  I think, for instance, that I am fairly open and I try very hard to be truthful. I also, thank God, have a sense of humor.  Other qualities – most notably, self discipline – I’m still working to acquire.  Also, I need much more humility sometimes.  I’m a know-it-all.

What about you?  What qualities do you most want to define you?  If  people were describing you, what kind of terms would you want them to use?

Posted in aging, Christianity, spirituality | 4 Comments

5 of My Favorite (Recent) Things

SoundofMusicMyFavoriteThingsBestOne of my favorite blog friends issued me a challenge after reading my last post:  “…tell/show me five things you stumbled across that left some sort of good taste in your mouth. I find we often need to talk about those things, too.”

Good point.  So I’ve racked my brain for five things that have left a good taste over the  last couple of weeks – things I’ve seen/read/listened to that made me happy or encouraged me.  I don’t know if they’ll provoke discussion, but maybe they’ll cheer you up, at least.  (These are all things I’ve shared on Facebook, by the way.  I’m not always negative.)

1.  This great blog post on the meaning of faith, by Phil Vischer.  Yeah, that’s the Phil Vischer who gave us these guys:

Veggies2.  This wonderful post about love and fear in Disney’s Frozen


3.  This NPR story on one of my favorite singer/songwriters, Josh Garrels

josh garrels

4.  The announcement that this outstanding woman is the new president of our denominational seminary


5.  And this picture of my dog, taken by Cheesy


Posted in Christianity, media, movies, music, religion, spirituality | Tagged , , , | 5 Comments

5 Things That I’d Like to Talk About….

….but I’m not sure that’s possible, without starting a ruckus.a-million-things-to-talk-about-300x300

I’ve seen so many interesting things over the last few weeks, during my blogging break.  So can I just leave a few of them here to share with you?

And if someone wants to talk about any of these, maybe we can do that, hopefully in a friendly fashion.  I’m trying to navigate between having strong opinions on subjects that I think matter and desiring to be a peacemaker.  But before I share these items, can I just ask if women who speak passionately on controversial issues are seen as somehow more divisive and more quarrelsome than men who do the same?  It’s just something I’m wondering about these days.

1.  This List of “8 things that reveal a woman’s character” from the Mars Hill Church website.

2.  This Entire Episode including this meme, which was shared over 21,000 times

duck dynasty

…and this video:

3.  Also This Meme, a whopper with over 302,000 shares


4.  This Video (especially from about 9:50 on)

5.   And This Upcoming Event

bill-nye-vs-ken-ham2If any of these items interest you and you want to offer your thoughts, you know where to find me – both here and on Facebook.

Happy New Year, friends.  I hope you’re not freezing on what is, in these parts, the coldest day in 30 years!

Posted in Christianity, feminism, gender, Links, media, patriarchy, religion, spirituality, videos | Tagged , , , , , , | 20 Comments

What’s my drug of choice?

aa-titleHere’s a hint:  I’m using it, right now.

I’ve decided to write another post about the state of my mental health, because nothing breaks up a party like saying, “How are you?” and having someone reply with, “Well, my therapist thinks we’re doing important work, but I’m still considering psychopharmaceuticals.”

For the record, I think “psychopharmaceuticals” is the longest word I’ve ever used in this blog.

Some things are better these days.  I’m slowly learning to behave like a grown up when it comes to dealing with the past.  I’ve spoken recently to other people about some things that I’d managed to keep to myself for decades, and taking the padlock off my memory hoard has been lots of fun, I tell ya.  Whee!  (I kid.  It’s usually awful in the short term.)

However.  Just yesterday I was bellyaching about my emotional flatness, numbness, distractibility, difficulty being present and engaged with my family, my work, or really, much of anything.  I know that this sounds like more of the same from me.  Here’s Sharon, still in a slump.  But yesterday I acknowledged, out loud, that there is something I use to help keep me numbed and distracted.  Something that gives me some satisfying buzzes but that also produces precipitous drops.  It’s my drug of choice.

It’s this darned internet.

I’m not trying to make a point or inspire people to put down their electronic devices and live their best lives now.  I’m just being honest about myself, because – as I recently told a friend – if I can’t be perfect (rats!), maybe the next best option is to be truthful about how imperfect I am.  And there’s something spectacularly imperfect about the way I’m using the internet these days.  I’m staving off the need to make decisions and complete tasks and deal with difficult emotions by sitting in front of this screen – oh, beloved screen on my dear, precious laptop – until my eyes burn and my brain is shot and whatever was bothering me has been pushed off to another day.

I’ve been feeling guilty about this for months now.  No joke.  Not guilty enough to do anything differently, obviously – just guilty enough to spend more time reading articles in my Feedly and chatting on Facebook until exhaustion makes the guilt fade.

I am not an internet hater or a social media mocker.  I read some great blogs and news sites, and (I sheepishly confess) I pride myself on staying in the know on my pet topics.  I write at this blog because I love writing as I love few other activities, and I feel good about many of the blog posts I’ve written.  As for social media, I have the most delightful group of Facebook friends, people who endlessly entertain, challenge and encourage me. So, yay internet!

This post is not about “internet addiction” as a social problem.  It’s much more self-absorbed than that.

Because I live with people who can’t get my attention.  Above all, this bothers me.  Poor Bee, in particular, is so hungry for me to spend focused time with her; and yet the drive to escape the here and now makes me inaccessible.  “Just a minute, let me finish reading this article.  Hold on, I’m writing something.  Wait, I have to get this posted.  Someone asked me a question on Facebook; give me five minutes.”  And so it goes.  I’m sure I’m not really trying to avoid Bee, though, or the other people who love me.  I’m trying to avoid myself.  And the internet works well for that.  It’s a bottomless pit of information to be acquired, humor to be enjoyed, conversations to be had with people who are wonderful, don’t misunderstand me, but they need me less than my children.  If I stopped posting on Facebook tomorrow life would go on quite well for my 415 Facebook friends.  My inability to focus and talk to my family is a more significant problem.

I think you get the point.

I’m going to try to do something hard.  I’m going to try to significantly cut back on my internet usage for a while.  Yep, that’s how pitiful things have gotten – getting on the computer less frequently sounds like a terrifying, arduous trial.  The thought of going all day without checking Facebook or reading some blog posts makes my heart race and my stomach hurt.  I’m jonesing already, and I haven’t even left the internet yet.

So I’m going to quit blogging for a while, just for a break.  And I’m going to stop checking my Feedly more than once a day.  I can’t leave-leave Facebook, really.  I receive and send practical information over Facebook these days.  But I think, perhaps, I can limit my Facebook time to early morning and late at night.  I hope I’ll be able to relax those restrictions eventually, and use the internet like the great resource that it is, rather than as a narcotic.

The question is, how am I going to control what has become a compulsive behavior?  Good question.  I don’t know yet.  I’ve made a number of resolutions that haven’t amounted to anything.  I suppose I’m hoping that talking about this openly will put my feet to the fire.

I have other hopes, as well.  I hope that less time on the computer will mean more time paying attention to the people around me, and more productivity in areas I’ve been neglecting.  I also hope that I’ll be forced to figure out what I’m trying to avoid, what uncomfortable feelings or ideas I’m desperately trying to keep at bay.  I think I need my crutch yanked out from under me even if it means I fall flat on my face.

There’s no big ending to this post, beyond wishing you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.  I won’t be posting here anymore in 2013, although I do reserve the right to reply to comments (if there are any).  And I ask for grace from my Facebook friends if my cutting back seems a little three-steps-forward, two-steps-back.  Some people die trying to kick drugs cold turkey.  At least that’s what I’ve heard.

I’m not sure when I’ll resume blogging.  Maybe in a month?  I’ll be looking for some sort of sign that I’m ready, whatever that might be. If all goes as planned, you may be spared another uncomfortable post about how out of whack I am.  That’s my  hope.  And hoping is one thing that I still do well.

Addendum:  A word of praise for my very private husband who never tells me I should be more private, too.  I worry sometimes that I’ll embarrass him by exposing to the world what his wife is really like.  And maybe I do, but if so, he never shows it.  He’s a gift from God, that guy.

Posted in blogging, mental illness | 4 Comments