My parents called to check on me last night. They were concerned because I’d gone three days without posting. Well, I think that not posting may be the new normal. I made a New Year’s Resolution to begin taking classes and I also made a resolution to post here every day. And I think I could almost pull it off, except that I have other responsibilities, too. I love writing, but apparently – and this comes as a bit of a blow, frankly – life isn’t just about doing things I love. It’s also about taking care of the stuff of daily life, and there, it seems, I’ve fallen short. Not that that’s anything new. I’ve never been a “strong” housekeeper, but I hoped I had other qualities that somehow compensated for that. And I’m not lazy, really I’m not. I don’t know how other women have lovely, clean houses all the time. Maybe cleaning is what fulfills them. Or maybe I’m defective. Whatever the case, I have to take a stab at improving things around here. And so something has to go. I can’t give up working at the church or taking classes because I’m convinced I’m doing what God wants me to do. What’s left to give up, but the blog?
It’s a drag, because I was just starting to develop a decent, steady readership. I hope that you’ll stick around for whatever infrequent postings I put up, whenever that happens.
It’s amazing, really, the gap between my perception of adulthood when I was a child, and what adulthood is really like. Adults seemed so certain back then. They could be crabby or unpleasant, but they knew what they were supposed to be doing, and they did it. I’m 46 now – 46! – and I still spend so much of my time stumbling around, trying to figure out the right thing to do, trying to understand my place, feeling incompetent and confused. Shouldn’t it be sorted out by now?
So that’s where I am today, feeling incompetent and confused. And it’s not that much fun to read the writings of someone in that place anyway, so a break might be good for you, as well as for me. Maybe I’ll post once a week or so, when the urge to write is too strong to resist. Or maybe something miraculous will happen and my life will start to work and I’ll be able to come back full force at some point. I’d like that!